hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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