jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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