You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
