3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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