Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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