I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
