Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
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Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
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Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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