How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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