Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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