through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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