its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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