He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
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