He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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