I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
