Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
