I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
