I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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