i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
