glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
