on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
