shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
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I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
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No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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