he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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