if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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