I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
