He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
