I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
