i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
