the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
