Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
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He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Blood and glitter go together right?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
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I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize