Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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