Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
