Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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