If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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