Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
