I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
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your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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