got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
