please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
