Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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