I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
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