the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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