i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
