handjob tips. give me some.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
