Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
