is your mom at the bar?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
