walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
