Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
