I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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