I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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