The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
