if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
