If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
