I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
