If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Randomize
