If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
