I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
