This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
