Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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