i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
