No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
