first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I don't deserve a penis
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
