I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I checked into jail on foursquare
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
