3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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