I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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