I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
