nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
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My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
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I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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