I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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