I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
