this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
