Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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